Friend Zones

I feel as if I might be in a friend zone. and it sucks for sure, why it happens this way i'll never know. 

sincerely yours,

mur 

leaving

going up to salt spring to see my family up there. i think it will be fun to not only travel along, but to get to see my family too, i dont get to see them enough. 

pictures im sure will come soon after the trip. 

sincerely yours, 

mur

superheros II

spiderman was no good, i want superman to call me back, please. 

sincerely yours,

mur

super heros

so apparently im attracted to boys who still want to be super heros. ive come to a cross roads of the super man or spider man. clark kent or peter parker, and funnily enough both of the guys act just like their appropriated characters, whom they love. 

very strange how life works, these parallels between reality and fiction. 

why has my life become an episode of greys anatomy even more then a comic book. you know where meredith has to choose between derek and fin, so true. 

we will see what saturday brings, maybe peter parker will be the right choice, however super man just keeps coming back, or at least acts like he is, we will see if he has any follow through or if he will just keep flying away. 

sincerely yours,

mur 

thinking

thinking i should take up a new hobby. biking riding as been good thus far, but i need another distraction for after finals. the travel to canada should do me some good. i really want to go visit megan but im not sure when I can do it. lame. 

R still hasn't called, im assuming he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, which is also pretty lame. apparently im on the path to self destruction. sometimes i wish life were a bit easier, i understand that yes life is going to be hard and all but really you would think i would get some kind of a break here. its been nothing but bad for the past two weeks. 

im just already done with everything, this whole summer has kinda blown for the most part, just been a mountain of stress all the time.

i cant wait for the fall, i want it to bring all things new and old back. i miss all my friends that i havent seen all summer. 

i also didnt get a lot accomplished that i wanted to this summer, mostly because of all these distractions. i really need to find a way to focus but i havent found that place yet. 

most of the time i just feel like laying in bed all day, or going for a bike ride, and thats really it. 

im also really tired of being broke, i hope P gets a job soon, this is getting so crazy. everytime i have money there is yet another bill to pay. i hate it. 

ive also felt like ive let friendships slip away. 

i feel very alone most of the time. im pretty sure they are all my fault. i also feel as if most of my problems are superficial and dont matter, but if the way i feel is from my feelings then jesus i need to deal with something, or at least have someone to listen to them and tell me how to feel better. 

all for now i guess. 

sincerely yours,

mur

seriously

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

change

my dad is moving to canada, permanently. 

my parents are separating. 

this week has been a crazy emotional roller-coaster. 

sincerely yours,

mur

away

so my dads moving to canada. there is no work left in florida, so i guess he's going to work up there for a while, and spend time with my grandpa, his health has been getting worse. im pretty sad that my dad is going to be so far away. instead of a 7 hour drive, tis going to be a 7 hour flight. 

im not sure when he's leaving either, he has cancelled his trip to france too. this whole economy thing sucks. i really wish i knew when he was leaving so i could go down to home more often. i also start working on saturdays again this month, i would really like to not but we just had another instructor quit, which means were already short staffed, and i cant afford to get fired or anything. im going to tell her that after this set of saturday's im not going to work them anymore. between school, and trying to go home its going to be crazy. 

i did a horrible thing last weekend, im kinda over it, but it still looms in my head. i know R. said he was ok with what i did, wasnt mad at me or anything like that, but anything i might do wrong or think im doing wrong is heightened by my mind. my self esteem took a blow, and i did it to my self. i always thought i had better control then that, i know alcohol was involved but im still disappointed. R isnt working in savannah anymore. its weird not being able to see him more then once a week. my bed feels empty, it's weird i sleep better next to him, that's normally never the case, but this time its different. im trying to let my blocks and walls down, slowly but surely. there is so much about me most people dont know, and i want to tell him, because i feel like he wont judge, and he listens. 

i really want the fall to start, i miss megan, i finally talked to her the other day. i want all my friends from french class to come back too, our ridiculous art history parties, with our geeky rants about what is better and how broke we will be in grad school. 

speaking of grad school im thinking of going to duke for law. i really like the idea of it anyway. i also think preservation law would be pretty cool, i might also just take a preservation class sometime this year. its crazy that i only have a year and a half left. megan only has a year left. everyone is going to start leaving soon. im going to miss them a lot. 

sad times are a coming

i can feel it. 

i hope i'm wrong. 

sincerely yours,

mur

it had to be you

ive started working on a painting. im kind of excited about it, i havent been inspired in a long time, but lately ive found so many more things inspiring. i might try and go shoot some pictures sometime soon too, i havent taken photos in forever. 

things have been going really well with R. ive had these walls built up for so long, and while i know its going to be hard to take them down, i feel like he really listens. 

school has been ok, the classes have been really easy so far, but i think the real work is actually going to start now that mid terms are coming up. 

im going to try and go to atlanta next weekend to see the new exhibit at the high museum. they still have the stuff on loan from paris, they also have the monet lilies along with a dutch masters show. i would love to see the rembrant paintings. the story of rembrant makes me cry haha, its super sad. 

all for now. 

sincerely yours,

mur

first week of summer classes

so i made it the first week. im still missing books freakin dumb half.com people havent sent it yet, of course the one that i actually have the most reading to do in. 

im going down to florida next weekend for the fourth. im pretty stoked. im bringing someone with me too im pretty happy about that, for once, the curse just might be broken. 

sincerely yours,

mur

summer

summer is starting again. this weekend has been glorious. i have quite a lot to accomplish this summer however. ive received less then what i would consider satisfactory grades on my papers this quarter. im going to work on better time management and less procrastination, along with my writing skills. 

this will include actually writing in this blog. i also have, have to practice french. i need to bring up my gpa. i still have a 3.5, but to me, at an art school i feel this isnt good enough. 

i also have my thesis to start working on, i would prefer to have an entire years worth of research done before i start writing it then just  a quarter. ive also decided i really want to do the peace corps again. hopefully i can get in, it will be interesting to see if this can happen but i do have experience working with non profits so im hoping that helps. 

i also have been really considering becoming a preservation lawyer. i'll post more about this later, cuz im super sleepy and im going running tomorrow. 

tan, thin, and productive are goals for the summer. 

sincerely yours,

mur

i was at a random low yesterday, it started out of no where i have no idea what happened but i just started crying for no reason.

rest of the day got better, i walked around savannah and realized how beautiful it was, side walk chalk fest, and awesome weather. me and megan got coffee and then walked around downtown. 

we then were actually productive and went to the library, got some research done for my two papers, i need to still go pick up the books. 

i then went over to waynes. gosh hes cute in his uniform, o dear this is how i'll get hurt, lets hope not. 

sincerely yours,

mur

Long absence

It has been a super long time since i posted. some really awesome stuff has happened this week, and i hope it keeps being that way. 

I dont want this to not work, it would probably break me. 

sincerely yours,

mur

why

i do things to myself i never know. they seem good at the moment and then i realize im a girl and have emotions..shit. 

also i think after scad i want to get my mba in arts administration, and hopefully work in either tampa or miami. yes back to florida i will go. 

fuck.

sincerely yours,

mur

a choice

so i think i have finally picked at least an area of study for my thesis paper. ive always been fascinated with indian culture..dot not feather..along with the religion of the area as well. the combination has led me to thinking i will write my thesis on indian art. however i have not decided if that will be of the more traditional arts, or the contemporary. ive just picked out books on both from the library, and i really do find both to be very fascinating..maybe it can incorporate the two somehow. as for now it kind of gives me a bit of peace of mind knowing that is an area i am especially interested in. it probably doesnt help that all ive been doing is watching slumdog millionaire and listening to the soundtrack. ive also been watching a million interviews with dev patel..who is amazing and im officially in love with him haha. so i feel a bit less stressed about so much in my life right now as odd as that sounds now that i do have a million things to do. i feel as if i am heading in the right direction. ive got many things on my plate but i have been better about using my time, or at least i have been today and most of this weekend. im at the library at the moment, ive got most of my worksheets done for french just have to study for the test, which im actually going to do this time not lame studying. i've got flash cards and hopefully doing these worksheets the night before will help too. once it gets a bit later in the library with less people i'll probably listen to some french music as well, ive gotten really into french rap haha. well im gonna hit the books again. 

sincerely yours,

mur

cafe writings

under the freezing circumstances that is at my current residence i have taken refuge at a coffee shop in town. gallery expresso to be exact, i love coming here, its so cozy, and a huge cup of coffee is super cheap. i never thought i would become this addicted to coffee, and late nights. i love staying up late, for absolutely no reason, half the time im just thinking, i come up with awesome ideas late at night. 

the current art on the walls at gallery are quite interesting, it all has this x-ray motif but is done with bright vivid colors, and interesting juxtaposition i think. i just have french homework for the night. then im hoping to get an article done for the paper. ive been listening to live streams of french rap music, trying to emerge myself more in the language. my mom got me some cds too on french language education, so hopefully i'll have time during the weekends to listen to those. i really need to get a good grade in french and anthropology. this quarter has been quite difficult im not sure why. im looking forward to spring break with vengeance. i think not having an art history class is affecting me as well, along with the fact that i really dont enjoy 3-d as much as i thought i would. its just so expensive i wish i could just make things that still qualify for the project, but with found objects or things that are much cheaper. my next sculpture has to be made out of foam core which is going to cost an arm and a leg. 

the gallery is pretty full tonight lots of usual faces, or at least people i have seen here just about every time i come here. this professor type is sitting at the next table over. i want to become one of those regulars. i wonder what people think im doing...

sincerely yours,

mur

much on the mind

so i have a bunch of work i should be getting done right now but instead i think i just need to write some thoughts down. its been an interesting two weeks i must say, tons of stress over money, school, jobs etc. its hard with this economy to find ways to make the money for things you want. i really want another tattoo ive been thinking about a chest piece lately, im still giving it quite a bit of thought, and i have plenty of time to do that since i am so broke. 

school has been pretty good, with the more and more lecture classes and art history courses i take the happier i am with my choice in major. im so ready to stop spending money on art supplies i dont want. 3-d has taken a huge chunk if money out of my pocket. i love books, reading, and papers, all quite cheap i must say in comparison. 

i have articles to write for the newspaper i should be working on as well however im not, i'll get to work on them tomorrow i hope depends on if they let me stay at work or whatever happens. im also quite worried about my living situation for next year/this summer. im going to look at a 1 bedroom tomorrow but i have a feeling it wont include utilities and be to expensive. i did however just find a studio apartment all utilities included for 500 a month, now that i can do. i kind of want to live by myself. i did a ton of biking around today, ate lunch at the park it was kind of nice to just sit and think. 

i just started seeing this guy named alex. he has to be one of the nicest people i have ever met, and im actually having a hard time with that haha. as weird as that sounds i just dont understand the nicenest...but hes growing on me so we'll see where it goes. there are a few complications i still need some more information on..i'll be interesting. 

i interviewed at desoto row gallery for a volunteer position there, i hope it get it. if i dont get that then i really hope i get the district editor and chief post, i interview for that next friday. 

im tired of being tired. i havent gotten a full nights sleep in i dont know how long.i really want to sleep in this weekend, i hope i can. 

i should be studying for 3-d and anthropology im just not sure how to study for them...unlike art history its not just flashcards i guess. i'll just study my notes i suppose. i didnt buy the book for 3-d so i cant really use that either..mostly because its expensive and i know i wont want to keep it for how much it costs. i really want some coffee right now..but im broke..and yeh not leaving the amazing couch that i now sit on at the library. i almost want to take a nap on it, then get to work..probably not the best idea. all for now. i need to actually study.

sincerely yours,

mur

update

ive fallen into a bad rut. were i think updating this thing as more of a hassle then a release  i really need to change that mentality. im at an odd place in life, i think ive at least figured out what my education will be good for, however im always doubting my intelligence to make it that far. i dont work nearly hard enough then i should. i tend to put a social life ahead of studies, which an an academic major i really need to change. i hope i get a spirt of motivation sometime soon. i have a big choice coming up as well. as it turns out i need to learn german for most masters and phd programs in art history, and scad will finally be offering german starting next year, however i am currently enrolled in french. if i decide to not finish out french past the third quarter, and then take german i would probably have to drop my minor and all kinds of mayhem will ensue. im very far behind in my majors classes, and i can feel it. 

on top of all that i am very stressed about money. there is so much i want to be doing right now but unfortunately work has been super slow so half the time im sent home after an hour. i had to ask my parents for money to cover my rent this month, which sucks i loved the feeling of being financially independent for the most part. it was my money so i could do with it what i wanted. now after all my bills are pained i'll have just over 40 dollars to my name. i know my next paycheck will be even lower so i have no idea how im going to come up with enough to cover next months bills. 

ive started taking pictures for some of the master's program painting students, maybe they'll get me some money going. i have an interview hopefully soon at desoto row for a volunteer position, i also have an interview with the student newspaper for a position there, which will pay starting next quarter. i hope i get it. 

yet another point of change, while megan is back i dont believe she's going to move in with me. so i have no idea who im going to live with when the lease is up. i like the idea of living by myself, but i really dont believe i can afford it, i guess i'll see what happens come april. all for now, off to work to hopefully make some money tonight. 

sincerely yours,

mur

mix up

ive been so mixed about so many things in my life its crazy. mostly about what i want as far as companionship. i have this yearning to have someone to care for, but i dont it to be complicated, or to serious. it sounds selfish i know but if someone doesnt fit what i want, i just dont want it at all. it's weird i just want something, but i dont know what it is at all...

sincerely yours,

mur

im back

i made it back from canada. i really had fun seeing all my family up there and playing in the snow wasn't half bad either. however now that i have spent two weeks with my parents and brother i remember why i love my family in savannah so much. see you soon guys i missed you. 

sincerely yours,

mur